Valentine's Day

For Valentine's Day I had so many ideas that this is going to be a bit of a mish-mash blog. Below I have copied a page from my couple's therapy website (www.austinmarriageandcouplestherapy.com) on "rules" for healthy relationships. Later in the blog I am going to post some links to inspiring stories about love. Enjoy!

             Characteristics of a healthy relationship 

1. Not keeping secrets, in any way, from each other. This means even if telling your partner something is likely to upset them or provoke a fight. Avoiding talking about something is a tell-tale sign of a relationship that is headed for trouble. In a truly secure and healthy relationship partners trust that even if it isn't pleasant or fun, they can talk to each other about anything.
2. Considering each other in every decision, including financial, social, career, etc. and involving the other person in any decision, no matter how small, that impacts them. 
3. Not allowing any other person or thing to come between the two of you. This includes ex's, kids, careers, friends, hobbies or even money. No other person or thing should have more status than your partner.
4. Learning how to "repair" quickly and not harboring grudges. Fighting or arguing in such a way that things move towards resolution and are taken care of without any residual anger or bitterness.  
5. Acting fairly and expecting the other to act fairly. Not accepting unfair treatment and not giving unfair treatment. 
6. Learning your partner's "owners manual" (no matter how long and convoluted!) and being sensitive to what makes them tick- not acting in ways that you know will be upsetting to them, even if you don't see it the same way or feel it's inconvenient. 
7. Understand that you are linked so that if your partner is not doing well,you cannot do well. Knowing that what serves your partner serves you. 
8. Know the 2-3 things that you can do to soothe each other instantly and do them when your partner needs calming. 
9. Be each others go to person. Make sure your partner is the first to know any big news and the first person you lean on in a bad time. Don't use other people or things as a substitute for your partner, even when you are upset with them. Let them be the only person who is your safe haven. 
10. "Launching and landing" with touch. This means at a minimum when you leave each other in the mornings or return in the evenings you hug and hold each other to reconnect. For some couples who tend to get "out of sync" easily it may mean touching and reconnecting multiple times during the day. 
11. Never using the relationship as a weapon, for example, never threatening to leave or making the relationship conditional in order to get your way. 
12. Know that the enemy is outside of the relationship, not each other. You may fight about money, sex, kids, time, mess or any other host of problems but don't confuse that with thinking that your partner is the problem. Remember that you guys are on the same team. Don't turn on each other. 
13. Protect each other in public and in private. Never, never, never throw your partner under the bus. Even when you are mad. Even if you think they deserve it. Find other ways to resolve the problem. Turning on each other is not an option. 
14. Keep your interactions and statements to your partner much more positive than negative. Remember that it takes 5 positives to every 1 negative to keep a relationship from becoming toxic. 
15. Never ignore an important request for attention from your partner. If it's important to them, it needs to be important to you, even if you don't understand it or agree with it. Failing to support a partner or respond to them when they are in a lot of distress can cause permanent wounding that can be hard to repair. Know when it counts and make sure to be there for them during those times. 
16. Understand that your partner is the one person in the whole universe who will do for you what no one else will, and this is why it is worth it for you to do the same for them. 
17. Not being afraid of each other-- not afraid that your partner will abandon you, betray you, hurt you, forget you, reject you, disregard you or shame you. Knowing that your relationship or marriage is the one place that you can fully be yourself, with no need to keep up a guard or put on an act. 

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And now that you know what a healthy relationship looks like, you can evaluate for yourself how well these people are doing:  http://valentine.thisamericanlife.org.  This is a collection of short personal stories about love and heartbreak, things we can all relate to. ​