Relationships Depression Anxiety Mental Health Information

Helping Your Child Get Through Anxiety

4/16/2017

Occasionally I get requests from writers to post on my blog. I find this flattering of course and am pleased to share a platform with anyone who is trying to help others. A while back Noah Smith reached out to me asking to share his writing on helping children with anxiety. As a mom of a son with OCD and social anxiety this issue is particularly close to my heart. I appreciate Noah taking time to write about it and am pleased to share his words here:

With the world in the state it’s in, it’s no wonder that children and teens are having a hard time coping with anxiety. Violent incidents captured on camera and shared on television and social media, cyber bullying, and the pressures (including peer pressure to use popular drugs) that come with school and relationships are just a few of the things kids deal with these days. No matter how hard you try as a parent to give your child a loving environment to grow in, sometimes there are things that are simply out of your control when it comes to their wellbeing.

For this reason, it’s important to help your child learn ways to work around feelings of anxiety and focus on positive thinking. This can help both of you when those feelings surface. Here are some of the best ways to help your child cope with anxiety and the stress that comes with it.

Don’t avoid situations

It might seem like the best idea is to have your child avoid situations that trigger his anxiety, but that might actually make things worse. Facing his fears is often the best way to learn how to cope with them, and the best way to do this is to be prepared. Help him picture the scenario that’s giving him worry and ask him to think of two ways he can handle it. For instance, if he’s anxious about being separated from you in a public place or missing the bus at school, have him come up with solutions so that if those things ever did happen, he’d have a plan.

Empathize

No parent wants their child to worry or stress, but it’s important to validate your child’s feelings rather than simply telling him not to worry or be afraid. Let him know that it’s okay to have those worries sometimes and that no matter what happens, everything will be okay. It may also help to talk to your child about what you were afraid of when you were his age.

Educate

It might be helpful to do some research on anxiety and stress together. Talk about how being anxious makes your child feel and whether it affects him physically, as it can sometimes do. Feeling jittery, nauseous, or distracted are symptoms of anxiety but might not always be associated with it, and these things can affect your child’s performance at school or his ability to be social.

Learn coping techniques

There’s no one right way to deal with anxiety or negative thoughts, so it’s important to work through a few different techniques to see what works for your child. These can be anything from positive visualization to breathing exercises; if it helps your loved one get through those tough moments, encourage it. Remind him that those thoughts will come and go…”go” being the operative word.

If your child is having difficulty with eating or sleeping because of anxiety, help him find ways to relax. This might include taking a hot bath before bed, or finding different ways to eat meals rather than sticking to a routine. For instance, you might have a fun “carpet picnic” for dinner one night. Lay out a tablecloth or blanket in the living room and have a movie night, eat pizza or finger foods, and create a low-key atmosphere for the family.

Remember that anxiety is simply a feeling that can affect how we feel mentally and physically; it is not who we are. Help your child learn the best ways to cope with his own feelings of anxiety by keeping in mind that he is in control.

Author: Noah Smith

PLEASE REMEMBER IF YOU FEEL LIKE NOAH'S WRITING HAS BEEN HELPFUL TO "LIKE" THIS POST ON FACEBOOK OR TWEET IT. ALSO FEEL FREE TO SHARE IT WITH ANYONE THAT YOU THINK COULD BENEFIT FROM KNOWING MORE ABOUT ANXIETY AND CHILDREN.
-- Dr. Jordan

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Adam and Eve as the First Love Story-- What Can We Learn from Biblical Love?

3/27/2017

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With divorce rates in some social strata continuing to rise and many of us bemoaning the loss of true intimacy in an age of Snapchat and Facebook, Bruce Feiler has found an unlikely source of inspiration to help us navigate the modern waters of love-- the bible. Yes, folks, that ancient text with all of the "begat"s and such. Feiler writes quite convincingly that Adam and Eve may have had it right from the very beginning. Stay together, even when the proverbial applesauce hits the fan. Even when it might look like one of you has made an uber-big mistake and put both of you in jeopardy. Even when one of you outpaces the other in knowledge, life experience or situation. Even when you get evicted from the only home you have ever known. Even when one of your offspring kills the other. Stay together. Learn, grow and circle your wagons when necessary. Don't give up on each other. Don't turn on one another in times of strife. Forgive each other.

Feiler makes some startling points. He says that the message of the story is not "disobeying God", it's "about obeying the larger message [of God], which is making the relationship work". God made these two to be companions for life. God calls upon them to "succeed...Go forth and multiply" according to Feiler. He argues that the only way Adam and Eve can do that is to continue to turn towards each other in hardship and, unlike so many of us in our baser moments, not vilify one's partner. To forgive the shortcomings of one's partner and re-commit to the relationship. He states that love is "not a choice we make once; it's a choice we make multiple times." Eve chooses to return to Adam after eating the fruit and Adam chooses not to reject her. They chose to make a new life together. They chose to stay together even after one of their children kills the other. They even chose to recommit to the marriage by having another child-- a sure sign that each believes in the relationship.

Feiler calls love "an act of imagination, an act of commitment and ultimately an act of love to re-choose someone after a difficult time." He adds, "That choice is much harder than the first." I can't think of a more poetic way to describe what it takes to succeed in marriage. To continue to re-choose at every turn. To doggedly, even when one's own hope is waning, re-choose to be "all in." This is what we mean when we talk about putting one's partner first in PACT. Protecting the "couple bubble" and nurturing it.

Many years ago I met an older couple who had been married several decades. As is my practice I asked "what's the secret?". The man replied "my wife is not the same person that I married all those years ago. She has changed many times, and each time I fall in love with the new version of herself." He smiled as though he were the luckiest man alive-- to have been able to love different versions of the same woman for nearly half of his life. I think most of us would hope to be so lucky. He continued to choose her. That's love. Not the easy kind of love you see in Hollywood or that we grew up with in our princess and prince charming fantasies. The real kind where you double down and recommit, knowing that come what may you have each other.

Wishing you health, happiness and connection in all of your relationships,

Dr. Jordan

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Forgiveness -- Do I Have To?

2/11/2017

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One of the first things I try to establish with people who have been deeply hurt is that there is no "right" answer to forgiveness. Each person and each situation is different and no one can know what ultimately is going to be right for you. There are different types of forgiveness and sometimes it can help to learn the distinctions. What follows is a summary of a wonderful 3-minute video on the topic, along with some of my own ideas.

In this video by UCLA psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer delineates 3 different types of forgiveness. These are:

1) Exoneration-- what we typically think of as forgiveness. Wiping the slate clean as though the hurt never happened. This restores the relationship to the state of innocence that existed prior to the injury. This is appropriate in the following instances:

when the injury/hurt occurred due to a true accident. The person did not do the harm intentionally. Like if I borrow your car and someone rear-ends me, or if I trip and spill a glass of red wine on your brand-new white sofa.
when the person who hurt you is a child or someone who, for a legitimate reason, could not understand the harm that was being committed (such as an acutely mentally ill person) AND towards whom you have loving feelings.
when the person who has hurt you is truly sorry, takes full responsibility without excuses for what they did , asks for forgiveness and assures you they will not knowingly repeat their bad action.

Dr. Marmer goes so far as to say that in these situations if you are not able to offer forgiveness it may suggest that there is more wrong with you than the person who harmed you. I tend to be a more "case by case basis" person rather than make such a sweeping proclamation. But I can see his point. If your 5 year old accidentally breaks your favorite vase and falls into tears and apologizes there might be something very wrong with you if you cannot forgive him or her.

2) Forbearance-- this is when the offender:

makes a partial apology
mingles their acceptance of responsibility and sorrow with blame that you somehow YOU caused them to behave badly
the apology that is offered is therefore not really authentic

Dr. Marmer goes on to say that even if you have no responsibility in how you were harmed you should practice forbearance if the relationship really matters. He goes on to say that you should
(I would say you "may want to consider", I am not a fan of the word "SHOULD"):

cease dwelling on the particular offense
do away with grudges and fantasies of revenge
BUT retain a degree of "watchfulness"

Dr. Marmer states that forbearance allows us to maintain ties to people that are important to us but are far from perfect. I would argue that many of our families of origin may fit into this category. In this case establishing healthy boundaries that can keep us from being further injured while still maintaining some connection can be a good compromise. He goes on to state, and I agree, that after a sufficient period of "good behavior" forbearance can rise to exoneration. I would say that this is probably a reasonable idea to try the first few times someone is not able to offer a sincere apology. But if the trend continues, or if the injury is simply too grievous, you may not ever want to drop your guard with this sort of person. Again, it's probably best dealt with on a case by case basis.

But what do you do if the person who has harmed you never acknowledges that they have done anything wrong or gives an obviously insincere apology making no effort towards reparations whatsoever? Dr. Marmer gives examples of adult survivors of child abuse, business people who have been cheated by their partners or family members who have betrayed one another.

This is where Dr. Marmer offers an third option:

3) Release -- this does NOT exonerate the offender, nor does it require forbearance. It also does not demand that you continue the relationship. He suggests that what is required for release is to stop defining yourself by the hurts that have been done to you and release bad feelings and preoccupations with the negative things that have happened to you. He contests that if you do not release the pain and anger from old hurts and betrayals you will, in effect, allow the people who hurt you to continue to influence you on a daily basis. He asserts that you are allowing these people to "live rent free in your mind" while you suffer from their occupancy.

What Dr. Marmer implies but does not talk about is something that I refer to as a "trauma bond". The original use of this term was for Stockholm Syndrome, or feeling positively towards one's captors. I use it a little differently. To me a trauma bond does not have to feel positive. You don't need to idolize your abusive partner or join the militia that captured you and held you prisoner. To me it can represent the broader idea of a tie to a person with whom you share emotional pain. Many times the trauma bond is from a victim to a perpetrator, or from the "harmer" to the "harmee". I think broadening the construct to include any tie, positive or negative, to a person you have been in pain over, is perhaps more applicable to most people's lives. Most of us have never been prisoners of war or help captive by a psychopath. More commonly we have histories of being emotionally neglected or abused in childhood by our own parents. Even if we have decided not to ever talk to them again and have completely cut them out of our lives, that bond remains unless certain steps are taken to "release" it. This release is NOT done to repair the relationship or restore it in any way. It is done to cut the psychic tethers that keep us anchored to that person and that old pain. Releasing a trauma bond is for the person who has been hurt. It is a gift one gives oneself. It is not an absolution of the wrongness of the act or actions. It is not an absolving of the person who has done it. It comes closest to how I once heard Maya Angelou describe forgiveness. She said forgiveness to her was saying to herself "I am done with you" and moving on with her life. Breaking the trauma bond. Releasing ones own self from the pain of the past. There does not need to be any regard for what happens to the person(s) that hurt you. They may thrive or perish. It does not matter. The release is for you alone.

Recently I listened to a wonderful audio book by Harriet Lerner, Why Won't You Apologize? This is the woman who wrote a series of "The Dance of..." books starting in the 1980's. The most well-known of which is probably The Dance of Anger. This is one of the most well-read self-help books about anger and I find it entirely refreshing that the author of this book is NOT promoting forgiveness across the board. In fact she says that it is inappropriate and not at all helpful to think about forgiving someone who has NOT APOLOGIZED. As a therapist who often works with people who are from dysfunctional families in which the abusive, neglectful or inept parents still don't realize that they injured their now adult children I think this message is vital. Most of my clients actually never get apologies from their parents and often choose to not even talk to their parents about the hurts they sustained in childhood. And some of my clients decide not to work on forgiveness of those parents. And that does not impede their emotional progress one bit in my estimation. Our culture seems to be obsessed with forgiveness as if it is the only legitimate route to personal growth. I disagree. For those who want to forgive, for those who are reaching for it, I think it can be an amazing journey. However it is not the only way to grow as a person and I hardly think it is necessary. In my opinion there are things that, put simply, cannot be forgiven. However, I DO think that breaking a trauma bond and releasing oneself from the ties that have bound us to a person who has hurt us can be a very important experience and can free up emotional resources for other endeavors.

If you find yourself challenged with the prospect of forgiveness and are not sure how to move forward I encourage you to realize that there are many different options. Dr. Marmer has outlined the 3 options he finds useful. Dr. Lerner's book offers additional approaches. Maya Angelou has her method. Deepak Chopra has a process that he outlines here. Whatever route you take I hope you find a way to break any trauma bonds that you have and liberate yourself to focus on building the life you deserve.

Wishing you peace and release from past hurts,

Dr. Jordan

PS If you have found this blog or the resources embedded in it helpful PLEASE consider sharing it with someone! You can "like" it on fb or "tweet" it or just forward the blog link to a friend. Also feel free to leave a comment and I will be happy to respond. Or you can email me via this website if you prefer a private conversation. Thanks for your support!

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Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin on Shrinkrap Radio-- Great Explanation of His Roots

2/5/2017

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For anyone who has wondered how Dr. Tatkin came to develop his theories this is an old interview on Shrinkrap Radio from 2008 in which he talks at some length about his early training experiences. As always Dr. Tatkin is clear, coherent and incredibly articulate. He explains his circuitous route to becoming a relationship expert, starting as a professional musician (drummer!) and weaving through inpatient psychiatric hospitals with John Bradshaw where he learned Gestalt therapy and psychodrama, to working in addiction treatment, on to studying American Object Relations with Dr. James Masterson, to training in the Adult Attachment Interview with Drs. Mary Main and Erik Hesse and finally to studying infant brain development with Dr. Alan Schore. Once in private practice Dr. Tatkin realized a strong interest in working with some of the more severe personality disorders such as narcissism which lead to his epiphany that prevention was where he wanted to put his focus. This lead him into looking at infant attachment and eventually to adult attachment in romantic relationships. In working with couples we not only help the adult dyad we also increase the security of the system in which any children are reared. This pays forward in building more relational security in the children as well.

For anyone wanting a brief and very understandable explanation of the Avoidant attachment style he does so right around minute 40. And of course if you want to get the major download of all of Dr. Tatkin's wisdom I recommend Your Brain on Love, his audio program in which he explains to lay people how his theories explain why relationships go awry in the short and long term.

In this interview Dr. Tatkin also references a film about infant attachment called When the Bow Breaks which drew him in to the field of infant attachment and lead him to the work of Dr. Allan Schore. He also mentions several of Dr. Schore's books, including Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self if you want to get deeper into some of his "source" material. All in all it's a great 50-minute interview with someone who I feel is at the leading edge of relationship science.

Wishing you the best in your relationships and connections,

Dr. Jordan

PS If you have enjoyed this blog/link to Dr.Tatkin's interview please consider "liking" it on fb and/or tweeting this post. That helps other people find my blog and connect to these topics. Thanks!

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The Meaning of Flowers and the Languages of Love

1/19/2017

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I realize that a psychology blog doesn't have much to do with botany, or flowers, or the purchasing or delivery of such goods. However, I often blog about relationships and there happens to be a certain holiday approaching that strikes fear into the hearts of many folks....Valentines Day. If you are coupled, or hoping to be coupled, you may be sweating about the best way to impress your sweetie. While everyone can certainly be different, in my experience many folks appreciate a delivery of flowers. This tends to score the most points if they are delivered ON Valentine's Day and AT their work in plenty of time for all of their co-workers to see how loved they are.

I was recently solicited by a company that does reviews about posting on this blog. I've never before received such solicitation and would typically not be interested. But I have to admit that after going to their site I was very impressed at the level of research they conducted. Anyone who reads my blogs knows I LOVE research. So I decided to give them some free advertising, which hopefully wont' offend any of you. I am not getting any kick-backs from them nor did they pay me. I just happen to appreciate the leg work they did and I do agree that sending flowers can be a great way to show someone that you are thinking of them.

They kindly provided this information about the meaning of flowers per the custom in Victorian times, when sending flowers was a way to covertly express sentiments:

Flowers have symbolic meanings.

Since ancient times, flowers have acted as meaningful symbols. The meanings of particular flowers vary wildly, but there are some standards that most flower dictionaries and guides, like Old Farmer’s Almanac, seem to agree on.

Chrysanthemum: Cheerfulness
Daisy: Innocence, Hope
Iris: A message
Lavender: Devotion, Virtue
Lilac: Joy of youth
Poppy: Consolation
Red Rose: Love, Desire
Violet: Loyalty, Faithfulness

If you are in the market for delivering flowers this Valentines Day and want a company that does same-day service and has been road-tested you may want to consider reading the reviews on this web site: http://www.reviews.com/online-flower-delivery/

If you aren't sure what's the best way to reach your beloved you might consider their "love language". You can take an online test here to determine your love language, and you can always email it to your honey as well to find out theirs. Once you know their love language it can be a lot easier to impress them! Learning my partner's love language answered my decades-long mystery of why my husband acted so proud when he would change the oil in my car. This is something that, prior to meeting him, I was fully capable of doing. When we met he decided it was going to be his thing. I thought it was just because he enjoys working on cars. Fast forward 10 years when I finally read the "love languages" book and I finally realized that it was because "acts of service" were his love language! I cringe to think of all of the times he was let down because I did not gush over his changing of my car's oil or his overhauling my bicycle. I just took these to be normal kindnesses but to him it was as if he was writing me a love poem or serenading me with a love song. Who knew! And especially since my love language is "words of affirmation". It also explained why when I did give him a card with a thoughtfully written passage he never saved it, but his eyes nearly glazed over with tears of gratitude when I made him a special meal. While I am not often much for "pop" psychology books this one, in my opinion, is worth reading.

So go forth and do something special for your beloved this Valentine's Day. Relationships need care and feeding to flourish so make it a habit to speak your partner's love language frequently.

Wishing you happiness and health in your connections,

Dr. Jordan

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Is Anger Healthy?

12/19/2016

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I have previously posted a blog titled "Anger versus Abuse". Since writing that blog I have come across additional information about anger and decided to re-visit the topic. What follows is the original blog post with some additional insights included. I hope you find it helpful.

In considering whether or not anger is healthy we need to think of what it's purpose is. Anger is a signal, like the warning lights on your car dashboard. Anger calls our attention to something about the situation and says "Houston, we have a problem!". So in and of itself anger is not positive or negative. It is simply a "signal" emotion, like fear. It tells us that we need to take a look at what is going on or things might get dicey.

Where I think most people go awry is how they express anger. Contrary to what many of us thought growing up expressing anger is not the same as yelling, breaking things or slamming doors. In fact if the person you are interacting with is doing things that trigger your fight or flight system (raise your blood pressure, increase your heart beat, make you sweat, shake, want to retreat) then you are not witnessing someone's anger, you are in the presence of abuse. Yep, that's right! And the normal human response to being abused is to want to hurt the other person back. So we yell, stomp our feet, throw things or say mean hurtful stuff back. Now WE are being abusive as well. Take a look at the two pictures at the top of the page. The woman on the left is angry but is not doing anything abusive. The woman on the right is also angry but she is clearly letting someone have it. You can quickly see how your body responds differently to these two pictures. The woman on the left you would probably not mind being in a room with. If you found yourself in a room with the one on the right you would probably run out of the room as fast as possible! And therin lies the difference...

I think this is a very important distinction to make. Anger is actually NOT a damaging emotion. Abuse is damaging treatment. I repeat, anger and abuse are NOT the same. I can sit down calmly and tell you that I am angry because you borrowed my car and ran it out of gas. If you feel embarrassed, guilty, sad or contrite but NOT fearful, nervous, threatened or like you need to yell at me then I have NOT been abusive. I have just been angry. Anger is an indication that our boundaries have been violated. I don't like it when people do not show appropriate respect for my things and so if you use my car and don't put gas in it I am going to be angry. But that's OK. By conveying that I am upset it shows you that you have crossed a boundary and so you will try not to do that in the future.

Many of us who grew up in dysfunctional homes confuse anger and abuse. We think that if someone is red-faced, yelling, shaking mad, throwing things or hurling awful accusations at us they are "angry". I would argue it is much more useful to see this as abuse. That way both people can see how unhelpful and inappropriate this behavior is. Abuse never leads to anything good. Anger, when expressed without turning in to abuse, should ALWAYS lead to something good. It is a communication about what you need to feel respected, cared for and even loved. It is essential for you to communicate this so that you are taking care of yourself and protecting the bond you have with that person. It is important for them to hear this message clearly and take corrective action. That is the purpose of anger. Anger, when used correctly, should actually bring people together through pointing out areas of the relationship that need work. The purpose of abuse is to discharge physical energy and to hurt the other person. That is not anger. The expression of anger is about trying to identify and solve a problem. Dumping, which many people mistake for the expression of anger, is about hurting the other person in an effort to make yourself feel better without any regard for the other. Abuse and dumping push others farther away. Appropriately expressing anger should in fact ultimately bring people together because it brings important feedback to the offending person. In it's best form anger is used in service of the relationship.

One of the most well-known authors on anger is Harriet Learner, who wrote The Dance of Anger. In an interview on the Relationship Alive podcast Ms. Learner suggested that the worst time to communicate your anger is when you are angry! She recommends calming down first and then discussing your anger. What? Yes! Talk about your anger when you are NOT angry. I know, mind-blowing. It makes me think of when a toddler has a temper tantrum and we tell them to go calm down. Then we ask them to use their words to talk about why they were upset. The same applies to us. When you are activated and angry you need to NOT talk but rather step away briefly and do some deep breathing or other things to get your nervous system regulated. Then you can calmly engage the person who made you angry and explain what they did that was so offensive.

In thinking about positive expressions of anger that are clearly not abuse think about the sit-ins of the civil rights movement in the US. There was plenty of anger on the parts of the protestors who saw the racial oppression and abuses going on. However the play-book of those sit-ins was literally that "not a hair on the head of [the oppressors] would be disturbed". The protestors wanted to convey their anger appropriately and NOT allow it to turn into abuse, which would have spurred an abusive reaction on the part of the authorities. Abuse begets abuse. Anger, if expressed appropriately and without abuse, should beget positive results and heightened mutual understanding.

Anger can teach us things about ourselves and reveal things about our partners or other loved ones. If the anger seems out of proportion to the event (you bring my car back with no gas and I calmly tell you we can no longer be friends) then there is likely some "unfinished business" being triggered from the past. In this example perhaps I had parents who used my property, resources or accomplishments for their own selfish purposes and I felt used and mistreated. I am, therefore, naturally sensitive to feeling that others don't care how they treat me and are going to take advantage of me. So my anger in this situation, if I can see that it is out of proportion, will direct me to look at areas of my past where maybe I have some unresolved wounds. That in turn provides an opportunity for healing.

Understanding the purpose of anger can help us to not suppress or deny it. Understanding the difference between anger and abuse can help us learn to express anger in an appropriate way that can lead to increased knowledge, understanding and harmony for ourselves and in our relationships.

If you find yourself confused about or uncomfortable with anger I encourage you to think about tackling that problem. Anger turned inward/suppressed can lead to depression, loss of motivation, difficulties in achievement, addictions, poor self-care, physical illness and even self-attack or self-abuse. I have heard the expression that depression is simply "anger that you don't feel that you have the right to have". Anger expressed as abuse can lead to shame, loss of relationships and/or jobs and even legal problems. Therapy can be an excellent tool for learning more about anger and how to comfortably express as well as witness it, as can the 12-step group Adult Children Anonymous (which focuses on people from any type of dysfunctional childhood) or books such as The Dance of Anger. Regular exercise and/or mindfulness mediation can help stabilize the nervous system so that when you feel angry you are better able to prevent it from veering into abuse. Proper sleep and not over-using stimulants like caffeine and energy drinks can also be helpful in keeping one's nervous system stable. Classes on anger management can help you learn the physiological signs of anger and how to manage the feeling when it arises and stay grounded when you see it in others. There are many options for working on this problem and I hope you consider trying some of them.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Dr. Jordan

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How We Learn To Be Ashamed

11/30/2016

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I have written about shame before but wanted to expand on my earlier blog with some new information on how exactly we learn to be shame prone.

James Harper has written about this subject and explains that there are types of families that tend to be shaming. Harper, along with a colleague Hoopes (1990) says that healthy families all contain the following essential qualities to promote optimal emotional development in children-- "accountability"-- the sense that "family members feel and act responsibly towards each other and meet each other's basic emotional needs"; "intimacy"-- family members are "able to share physical touch, be nurturing to each other, and share emotional experiences" in a way that feels supportive and comforting; and "dependency"-- the "ability of family members to rely on each other emotionally for basic needs". This includes parents not being annoyed by the natural dependency of young children and being willing to continue "scaffolding" children well into adolescence as they learn to become more autonomous. Parents who fail to provide enough of these essential qualities inadvertently create shame experiences in children. If repeated often enough this can become part of the child's self-concept and identity. They feel that they are inconvenient to their parents, that their basic feelings are not acceptable, that their world is unpredictable. They learn to despise their natural needs to be dependent and also their normal failures and struggles as they grow and develop. They assume that if only they were "good enough" they would be loved and, therefor, their feeling unloved is somehow their own fault.

When kids experience shame a lot they naturally begin to internalize it. That emotional state gains preference in the nervous system and is more easily accessed. I compare this to driving down a dirt road every day for several week. Over time you will notice grooves getting established in the dirt so that it gets harder to deviate from the path you have been taking each time. This is similar to the way our brains respond-- the more we feel something (or think something, or do something) the more that pathway is reinforced and becomes easier for the brain to find the next time. So numerous experiences with shame as a child make is "shame prone" in adulthood. Research shows that people who are "shame prone" or have "trait shame" learn to expect to be shamed and they learn to hide their flaws from others. This impairs their ability to feel intimately connected with others and can even cause these people to lash out and shame others before they can be shamed themselves. According to studies people high in "trait" shame tend to also be more pessimistic, narcissistic, dependent, emotionally labile, feel victimized and be introverted. In an effort to cope with chronic shame people often turn to substance abuse, addictive behaviors (sex, gambling, eating, work, exercise) and/or chronic interpersonal conflict in an effort to ward off the collapsing into shame they so fear. Mills, Imm, Walling and Weiler (2008) found that children with higher shame experiences also had higher cortisol in their bloodstream, a sign of physiological stress. Remember that the brain does not distinguish emotional versus physical pain in where the information is processed or how the body responds. So shame provokes a stress response in the body that, over time, can lead to chronic stress-related illnesses including more trouble returning to physiological baseline after feeling shamed.

Relationally shame-prone partners tend to have insecure attachment styles (Karos, 2006; Wells & Hansen, 2003) and distressed romantic relationships (Greenberg, 2008). Their sex lives also tend to be problematic/unfulfilling. I am often fond of telling couples that anger and shame are two tried and true arousal killers. Shame-prone partners have trouble communicating in their relationships because they are so guarded and are constantly trying to defend themselves against having shameful parts of themselves discovered. They may perceive attempts to be close as intrusive and an attempt to uncover things that they feel shame about. They may also be aggressive and try to push others away, especially as that person is trying to get closer to them. Sadly in this way shame-prone people often create the situation they are fearing-- being seen as "bad" or "unlovable", which reinforces their feelings of shame.

While all of this is no doubt frustrating to those who are trying to love and be with a shame-prone person it is important to remember that shame-prone people, like all of us, have earned their scars and defenses. Research shows that people who are chronically struggling with shame tend to have histories of abuse, be it sexual (Feinauer, Hilton & Callahan, 2003), physical (Kim, Talbot & Cicchetti, 2009) or other traumas (Lee, Scragg & Turner, 2001). They also are more frequently abandoned by their spouses (Claesson & Sohlert 2002). So they have plenty of reasons to feel vulnerable, victimized and exposed. Empathy and emotional validation are keys to helping a shame-prone person feel more comfortable. Essentially acknowledging their shame and giving it words can be a great weight off of the shame-prone person's shoulders. Of course since those who are shame prone tend to see judgement at every turn it's important to phrase things carefully and let the person know that it makes sense that they feel shame based on their history. It can also be very powerful to share some of your own shame feelings in an effort to normalize their response.

Chronic shame can rob a person of adequate self-worth, goal achievement, fulfilling relationships and feelings of love, joy and satisfaction. If you or someone you love struggles with chronic or intense feelings of shame I recommend that you reach out to a mental health professional to discuss treatment. Psychotherapy, whether it is individual, in groups or as a couple can be a powerful way of healing this toxic emotion.

Wishing you health and happiness,

Dr. Jordan

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Youtube Channel For Information about Healthy Sexuality

10/10/2016

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I am always searching for new resources to guide clients to. Many people are in need of information and help but can't afford therapy, live in areas where there is not good access to therapy, don't feel ready to start therapy at this time or don't have the time to take off work/kids/etc. to attend therapy. Obviously as a psychotherapist I think therapy is HUGELY helpful. I also acknowledge that good information, whether as an adjunct to actual therapy or in lieu of therapy, can be transformative for some people.

In that light I am very pleased to point you towards a great on-line resource for information about healthy sexuality. Whether or not you are a survivor of sexual trauma who is trying to figure out how to get comfortable with sex again, or someone who is struggling with a pornography addiction, or a couple looking to improve your sexual connection this youtube channel has something for you. The youtube channel is owned by the Center For Healthy Sexuality in Los Angeles, California. The director, Alex Katehakis, has also written a great book called Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation which is due out very soon.

I strongly recommend taking a minute to browse the videos available on this amazing channel. Some of the ones that caught my eye were:

Center for Healthy Sex - What Is Healthy Sex
A Buddhist Perspective on Sex -- A CHS Webinar with Noah Levine
Mother Enmeshed Men -- A CHS Webinar with Doug Sorensen
Boundaries-- Alex Katehakis
Healing from the Aftermath of Infidelity -- A CHS Webinar with Dr. Tammy Nelson
Mis-Matched Libidos -- A CHS webinar with Neil Cannon
Developing Sexually Healthy Children Through Respectful Parenting -- A CHS webinar with Marcus Earle
Betrayal and Relational Healing - CHS webinar with Marnie Breecker
Introduction to the Complex Partner Trauma Model -- A CHS webinar with Hope Ray
Sex Addiction as Affect Dysregulation-- lecture by Alexandra Katehakis
SHAME Part 4: The Signs of Love Addiction

But there are MANY more videos on this website and new ones being added regularly. So take a look! Whether you are partnered or single, young or old, gay or straight (or anywhere in between) sex is part of the human experience. We all need healing and many of us need healing in some of our sexual selves. I encourage you to be curious about how some of these resources might help you.

As always I also encourage you to consider therapy if you feel that you are stuck and in pain.

Best wishes for your sexual, emotional, physical and relational health,

Dr. Jordan

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Dr. Stan Tatkin on Why Relationships Are Hard (Ted Talk)

9/30/2016

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I am a self-confessed "Stan-fan". Since starting to study with Dr. Stan Tatkin in 2009 I have gained a profound understand relationships from a brain and attachment perspective. This has helped me help hundreds of couples find their way back to each other-- back to love and lust and unity. While most people will not have the opportunity to hear Dr. Tatkin talk directly, or even better to study with him as I have, he recently was invited to do a Ted talk on why relationships are hard. I think this is a wonderful primer on his theories and how to apply them. I invite you to watch his talk (it's 10 minutes) and if you like it to check out his audio program Your Brain on Love and his books Wired for Love, Wired for Dating and Love and War in Intimate Relationships. The first three are aimed at lay-people and the last is more for psychotherapists. All are clearly written, insightful, useful and even humorous in parts. Dr. Tatkin has a fantastic approach to love and connection and I encourage anyone who has ever felt that "relationships are hard!" to check him out.

Wishing you health, happiness and connection,

Dr. Jordan

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Testing Your Ability To Read People

9/7/2016

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Thanks to the popular television show Lie to Me many people have heard of "micro-expressions". These are the rapid and small muscular movements of the face that can tip you off to how a person is feeling. The researcher who is most well known for looking at micro-expressions is Paul Eckman. The TV show was loosely based on him as the main character. Since learning to read people's emotional states is very important as a therapist, years ago I purchased a micro-expressions training tool from the Paul Eckman website. I went looking for it the other day and could not find it on my hard-drive.

Thanks to the internet I was able to quickly find an alternative, however. Someone in Belgium has posted a micro-expressions on-line quiz. I tried it and was at first really bewildered to find that I got only 46% correct! I am used to scoring above 85% on these kinds of tests since I do this for a living. However I had a few friends take the same test and they got 2%. So now I don't feel as badly. While these things are fun they are by no means a fully scientific and validated measure of your ability to "read" people. But if you have a few minutes to kill and are curious how well you do at reading facial expressions they can be fun to try. I have listed some of them here in addition to the one from Belgium. One was featured in the New York Times a few years ago and only allows you to see the eyes, which I found especially challenging. While the eyes hold most of the emotional information the rest of the face does add data so only having the eyes was a bit tricky. Thankfully I pulled off a 34/36 on the test even though it stressed me to not have the whole face to see. I did find one that uses examples (as far as I can tell) from the actual Eckman micro-expressions training videos. FYI the micro-expressions training programs have a lot more information than any of the tests that I am posting. You can learn more about them on Eckman's website.

Interestingly new research has shown that people on the Autism spectrum "rely more on information from the mouth for emotional judgments". This puts them at a disadvantage as information obtained from scanning the area around the mouth is not as accurate at predicting emotions as the area around the eyes. So this has lead to some new interventions with folks on the Autism spectrum where they can be cued to look more to the eyes of people in order to help them understand other's emotions better.

When I work with couples I am often surprised by how often we fail to look into our partner's eyes, or even at their face, while talking. If you are talking about what to order for lunch that may work OK but if you are having an intense conversation I really encourage you to look directly at your partner's face and even better at the area around their eyes to help you stay as attuned as possible.

I hope you enjoy trying out the micro-expression tests but please don't get worried if you don't score well. They are not, in and of themselves, diagnostic of Autism spectrum disorders. However if you consistently have trouble "reading" people you may want to consider working with a therapist to determine if there are things that can be done to improve your accuracy.

Wishing you happiness and health,

Dr. Jordan

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